Defining a wool.

I have nothing at all against foreigners, maybe germans, suicide bombers and the Romans but wools..they severley make me fucking fume.

Scousers take pride in looking decent before they step out their house. making an effort, wearing clean clothes and generally smelling and looking nice. Whereas a wool just picks up fucking anything, lashes it on, swerves brushing their teeth then head for the ferry. The majority of wools are that inbred that they are born with utterly shite levels of hand to eye co-ordination which leads them to buy trainees, yes trainees, not trainERS which have straps. Even the fair few that do buy (trainees, trabs, webs or wheels) with laces strangle the fuck out of them. A wool can make a size 8 pair of 110's look like a 13, long, skinny and curled up at the fucking top.

Everywhere you go in Liverpool you can spot a wool. They are the easiest 'race' to pick out. If you need help in WoolSpotting then you're a wool yourself and still in the denial stages. There are a few dead certs below that will come with every wool.

• Earrings on men (Queer Rings) - what the fuck is this all about?
• White socks - Jeans don't fit, showing an extreme case of white sockism.
• Football shirts - Shouldn't be worn if over the age of 10.
• Fringes - Combed down and flat as fuck.
• Jeans with a pair of Asics - Asics are gym trainees mate. Go away. Assess your life.
• Accent - Disgraceful and noticable, mostly refer to Liverpool as 'the pool'. Mings.
• Toms - Worst excuse for footwear on the planet, picture with description is below.

See that picture there yer? What the fuck are they? Apparently, when a pair of these £10 Toms are bought, some kid in Africa also gets a pair. I can't help but feel sorry for some poor African kid, sitting off in Africa, needing food, water and education and minding his own business then getting a pair of these. As if the other African kids are just gonna sit there an be like "Yo Mundabi man, that footwear is fineeee bruda." This wouldn't happen, any African kid that is forced to wear these would immediately become a bully victim. They look like an ankle sock...glued to a Weetabix.

Finishing this blog with the words - I'm fucking made up my wheelie bin is purple and I'm not a wool.

Stay #Jeem

#BOOTHMINGS

I haven't done a BLOG for a while, simply for three reasons:

1. I forgot my fucking password
2. I couldn't actually be arsed
3. I've been busy getting twatted on Glen's vodka. (Glen is a fucking legend. 5 kwid.)

Now that my excuses are out the way I can focus on the main topic, a fucking #BOOTHMING. 

Defining a #BOOTHMING

Somebody that reserves a set number of seats and a table at a bar on a desired night for the sole purpose of looking quite high up in the social status table. Why these people do this I have no fucking idea, when in actual fact they look like fame hungry, desperate for attention gobshites. Sitting down on a fucking lager stained couch in the corner is the last thing I want to be doing on a night out. 

#BOOTHMINGS

GIRLS - The type that love themselves, 'smash the beds', pout at every photo opportunity and have a life ambition of meeting a footballer, some are even happy with a semi-pro.. as long as he drove a 65 plate fucking Focus and isn't a goalie. Don't get me wrong, the majority of birds in Liverpool are decent, but it's a fucking different story the next day when they're looking rough as fuck and eating a Pot Noodle.

LADS - The type that save up for fucking months on end to afford this one bottle of Grey Goose and then sit there all night taking turns in getting their 'proper boss that lad' profile picture took for Facebook. These lads (cretins) make me cringe, wearing blag Hugo Boss polos, shiny 'going out' shoes and have about 7 teeth in their fucking head. To top this off, the next day they're fucking skint and back on a fucking building site lobbing concrete flags to each other and talking about how they can't afford a fucking meal deal from the Co-Op.

Stay #Jeem

P.S - Visit my online clothing shop www.JeeShirts.co.uk

NICE SWAN

#BIGJeesBday

MY BIRTHDAY NIGHT OUT.

Just thought I'd write a BLOG on my birthday night out this Friday the 13th, yes.. I know it's a fucking moody date, but who the fuck is arsed about a few numbers? I'm fucking not, I just want to get twisted.

Seeing as though Twitter is a cunt and only gives me 140 characters per tweet I decided to give more information about the night out. This is infact a legit night out and will start Friday 13th at 10pm and will continue until 2am. 

There are a number of DJ's covering this event and it is currently the most talked about event in Liverpool. As you may know, Bar Red is not a massive club so if you turn up at 1 bells then it might be locked out.

GUESTLIST
There is a guestlist and a fair few people are now on it. A queue is expected and people that are on this guestlist will still have to wait in line BUT will gain entry for FREE.

THE NIGHT OUT
People have been asking on Twitter if you need an invite. The answer is NO, aslong as you've got £3 in your arse pocket or purse you can come in. DON'T EVEN DARE PULL A WALLET OUT. Wallets are wool. 
This will be controlled as a normal event would, you pay in, get a fucking stamp and party like fuck. If you need to get fresh-air, throw up or just go around to an alley to fingerbang some bird then you can come straight back in.

DRESS CODE
The dress code is as it is for a normal Friday night, I have no control over the doormen and they have complete right to turn away anyone that they feel looks like an absolute beaut. If you come looking smart/casual then there shouldn't be a problem. WARNING - Turning up in a pair of Toms will only result in getting the piss took out of you.. by me.. and a load of fucking scousers.

COMPETITION
I have had an official "Keep Calm and Stay Jeem" t-shirt made for competition purposes and the winner will recieve this on the night out with free entry and drink of their choice.

I WILL BE THERE.

I'll see you fucking scouse bastards on Friday.

Stay #Jeem.

Big fucking brother.

I'm just letting people know that I'm writing this as it's on the fucking tele infront of me, Mary's got the remote, I've ran out of beak and basically.. I fucking hate it and want to get it out of my system before I start neck-jabbing Barry and he doesn't deserve it the little bog-eyed beaut.

I don't know about the rest of the scouse majority, but I personally can NOT stand wannabe fucking idiots on my tele 24 hours a day. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing better than watching some fucked up, desperate, cringe worthy slag cry on live television but I just think that 'Big Brother' has gone and will always continue to go downhill unless it involves drugs. 

Who on the entire fucking planet wants to watch 12 dickheads sit around on a fucking L shaped couch, telling each other what films they've appeared in or what their number 1 and only number 1 song was back in 2000 and fucking 1. Yer, I'm on about you there, fucking Romeo. I'm not just leathering Romeo here by the way but if he's a fucking celebrity then so are them 3 gimps from '3 of a kind'.. you know.. the fucking cunts that sang 'Babycakes' about 10 years ago. 

Anyway, surely there must be a borderline from when somone is and isn't a celebrity, I seriously haven't seen 1 single celebrity in that house. Fair enough, I've seen 2 fucking tidy birds from America who are Hugh Hefners ex-girlfriends but apart from them, I see no other fucking reason to watch this show.

That Andy has just appeared, so I'll move onto him. WHO THE FUCK IS HE? From what I've heard he's simply a fucking queer in a shit band who loves dancing like a fairy? He's just also told Romeo that he is straight. Basically, what I wrote about 2 fucking seconds ago about him being a queer is wrong. Listen Andy, Jesus is never wrong. No straight lad would ever die their fucking barnet. Not only die their barnet but fucking ruin their barnet for the sake of attention. Why the fuck would you do that to your head? Queer. #KWEER

FUCK OFF, Frankie has came on now, for a start, undo the top fucking button on your Burton shirt you absolute full time gobshite. I reckon he's brought 1 pair of undies and he's fucking wearing them. I've always imagined him to smell like sheer shite, well.. not exactly shite but I can imagine him to not use aftershave and just spray himself with fucking Sure Sport before he goes out. You all know they type, the type of smell that comes out of the Quarry Quarter in Matthew Street. Anyway, what has gave THAT, I'm using THAT because he's a fucking THAT from now on, alright! the right to class himself as a celebrity? This show is fucking doing my head in and I'm looking forward to him turkeying for a stripe the fucking scruffy THAT. 

Infact I might even watch this shit show on my laptop and hope them two sisters get in the shower together so I can 'Print-Screen' the fuck out of it like I did years ago on MSN like when I had the lads around and some little Wirral head on webcam - "I'll show you my boobs but is anyone there with you Jee?", "Noooo, I'm on my own, honest".. When really I had 12 disciples hiding behind the wardrobe. You know use have fucking done it.

WAYS TO MAKE BIG BROTHER BETTER

• Give them beak or any other Class A drug on demand
• Don't ever feed Frankie, let him starve
• Take away the use of clothing, let them all fucking Adam and Eve it
• Tell them that they must have sex to avoid eviction
• Put me in - Because, lets face it, I'd cause fucking murder in there

Just a thought here, I think that if you swerved the whole celebrity thing and just lashed for instance, Purple Aki, a few steroids, ale, garys and a 11 unsuspecting 18 year old slags in, it would possibly make the best television on the face of the earth. Just watching him harrass the fuck out of people, asking them to squat and monitoring the progress of ther biceps.

Stay #Jeem

Useless celebrities & Shit comedians.

Just sitting off in my FTM undies and watching the tele with a fat bowl of Koka noodles I couldn't help but think that there are too many people out there, getting money, for doing fuck all. Before I start, I would just like to say that I am not racist, sexist, age'ist or fucking redhead'ist. 

USELESS CELEBRITIES

Where do I start here? There's too many of them, running around, getting there fucking shitty photo taken and pouting about everywhere thinking they run the place. Prime fucking suspect - Paris Hilton, who the fuck on earth does this silly little slag think she is? Maybe her dad does own one of the biggest fucking hotel branches in the world.. but that doesn't take away the fact that his daughter a stupid little fucking slag with size 13 feet. Yes, size 13 fucking feet. Feet the length of my fucking shin bone. This slut is famous for making a porno, a shit porno at best. I made a better one with Eve in the fucking back kitchen, had her licking my gooch and everything, do you see me selling it and calling it Christmas Eve? No.

Moving on so that I dont sound like a fucking 'Hilton Hater', there are plenty more gobshites out there, people that have millions in their bank accounts yet go on adverts asking me to give 3 fucking quid to sponsor some fucked up gorrila in Africa that I will never see. But it will write me a fucking letter letting me know how it's getting on, I'm not a fucking 10 year old and wanting a 'pen-pal' relationship with a fucking massive monkey that hasn't got a clue how to hold a ball-point pen. Fuck off, why don't you just give it 3 grand mate then it will be sorted for life. Fucking bellend. 

Another thing that burns my head out is when they dip there fingers in all kinds, Justin Bieber has got a fucking perfume out, what is he playing at? Not only this, there's soft cunts going out and buying it and thinking that they smell like the little queer himself. Where is he now anyway? The little fucking bowlhead.

SHIT COMEDIANS

There is nothing worst than seeing a comedian on the tele that is utterly shit. Now like I said in the introduction I am not a racist or sexist but Gina Yashere is fucking terrible. I think that any person that goes onto a stage with only racial jokes to tell because she's 'black' appreantly, she fucking tells us enough, is a fucking top dickhead. Here's an example..
"Yer, so I was walking down the street yer, Insert black joke here___________________________"  and that's the basis of all of her jokes. Fuck off Gina. Change your name to Gina Yashit.

Another dickhead famous for this is Chris Rock, this little squeaky cunt couldn't say a fucking sentence without using the word black. You don't see fucking Lee Evans or Jimmy Carr on stage talking about how white they are do you? Fucking NO. Now I'm not saying they're good, they just don't go around shouting "Look at me, I'm fucking white, can you tell?".

Russell Howard is just shit in every single way, anyone can stand infront of a fucking massive screen and get pictures up by going on Google and typing in 'funny fucking pictures' and chat shit. This bad idiot reminds me of a 10 year old who's had one too many blue Smarties and a can of fucking Dr.Pepper. Plus, his eyes are too close together the little fucking bog-eyed inbred.

I don't know where to start with this next one, I'll say his name in fucking capital letters though becuase I hate him that much - TIM MINCHIN. Possibly the most overated comedian on the planet. I watched a show of his a few weeks ago and wondered why he had an audience full of disabled laughaholics. Surely they were fucking brainwashed or spiked before they bought their ticket? This scruffy bastard comes on stage looking rough as fuck and just chats full on proper wet for 2 hours straight. People laugh at him, people fucking laugh, at fucking him. He stands there, plays a piano, talks shit and people laugh. What the fuck is this world coming to? I don't know of any scouser that rates him as a comedian. If i seen him out, I'd get a sausage and bean pasty from Sayers, make sure it was fucking roasting and launch it at his grid.

Anyway, Mary's made me dinosaurs, smiley faces and waffles so, INABIT.

Stay #Jeem.

JeeUnit.

Born in Liverpool, rasied in Bethlehem
I'm a mad fucking bastard, show me a wool and I'll volley them
I wear robes, look sound, get 20 bags of Haribo for a single pound
Dont fuck with Jee, you will regret
Once I've paper cut your neck with a footy bet.

I go to church and fucking what?
Give cheek to me, I'll load my spud gun, you will get shot
Give birds wine PFFFT do I fuck dine
A chippy if they're lucky, maybe a meat and potato pasty.. followed by a taxi

My best mates Moses, we graft and sell weed
Bully wools all day
Constantly hearing "Is there any fucking need?"
We do what we do, we own this city
Watched X-Factor this year and I can't stand Kitty

I fucking hate wools, inbred, all of them, sporting their Burberry
Slap them in the face, show them a saveway, point them towards the ferry
Full of shit, they burn my head out
Wear Toms and come within 5 metres of me
You will get sparked clean out

Eat gary's on the reggers, Beakabix for breakfast
Too fast for plod, I do the fucking fences
I'm scouse as fuck, 110's all day
Get on me girls, my donkey eats hay

Word.

Dedicated to @thetopsteward @ponderthepoint and @tinheadftm

Stay #Jeem

Town is shit. Medication is shitter.

So, I decided that last night I would have a heavy one. Now I'm not into these 'Student Nights' that involve wools from everywhere. Coming to my city, standing next to me in a fucking cramped and sweaty room breathing all their wool breath over me then staring at me with their gary'd up eyes because I go out in a fucking robe. 

But.

Last night was an exception, I was celebrating my last public mass until the main fucking big one on my birthday, Christmas day. Me, Moses and a few of the disciples all heard about this club, it was called Medication. Eager to know what it was we decided to pull over a firm of beauts, as we asked them, their faces lit up and they replied "yer man, we know were dat club is, it's immense in there, it's really epic and full of chicks". 

There was an awakward silence.. followed by extreme outburst laughter from our side which led to these fucking idiots walking away with red, embarrased wool faces.

We shortly found out the details on this event and starting making blag I.D, how I got in on mine I will fucking never know. My name on it was Jermain Chris, I was mixed race and had fucking corn rows. 

Later that night..

Queing up for this Medication took the piss, there were two fucking 'doormen', both of which looked about fucking 18, standing there in their "get on me in my hi-vis vest, I've got authority" uniform acting all legit as if their dad didn't get them the fucking job. Once passin these pair of bad bullheads we got to the main door, where the actual legit doormen where, even these thick bastards checked our I.D's. How the fuck I got my University of Bethlehem I.D passed two sets of testosterone fuelled knobheads i will never know.

Anyway, we got in the club, the music was decent, it wern't rammed an the ale was fucking cheap so we all felt fucking boss. This feeling lasted about an hour, after this the place was swarming with wools in Toms and slags from Wales, Newcaste, Manchester and Bootle all wearing tiny Santa suits. Suits that were basically saying, "If you buy me a 1 quid bevvy, I'll let you finger me over there in the corner".

I'll admit it, the birds in there were fucking spot on and I got my fingers wet numerous times but the bad fucking thing about this place which made it an absolutely shite night was how fucking rammed it was by 12 bells. I had to fucking give some lad a dead leg for knocking into me,  I don't know who the fuck he thought he was fist pumping his way around the place as if he fucking owned it. I put my bevvys on the side, walked behind him, waited for his feet to leave the ground during a 'whole body' fist pump then fucking volleyed him in the hamstring. He never even done anything, then again, would you do anything to someone standing there in a fucking North Face robe with long hair and a quality beard? No.

This place didn't even start to get quiet, people after people just kept coming in, I mean, I've fed the 5 fucking thousand but it looked nothing like that in there. These so many thousand wools all dressed in the same fucking gear once again, and what the fuck is it with them jeans that go tight around the ankle? What is it with fucking wools and why do they like getting their ankles out the fucking weird bellends?

Fuck this.

We'd all seen enough, never again will me an the boys enter that WoolFest. We made our way to Burger King and walked straight to the front of the queue because the security guard in there went to my school and he know's I'd punch fuck out of him if he started. Buying leather gloves off the internet and thinking he's mad on the Burger King door. Fucking pleb. 

If you're scouse, don't go Medication, or fucking 'Med' whatever it's fucking called. 

Stay #Jeem